Tuesday, March 17, 2015

There is no "real"me.

During a fight with a loved one the other day, I got very upset because I felt that my loved one was accusing me of things that were clearly not true. I am a Libran, and even though I am not sure I believe in astrology, I do have the Libran traits of justice and fairness, and when I feel I am being unfairly or wrongly accused, it really gets my blood boiling.

Now, in hindsight, I realise how silly this is of me. I mean, why do I worry what the accusation is? If it is false, why not just calmly state that and move on? Why not say something as simple as "I am sorry you feel that way, but it's not so." ? And yet, during the argument, I got so emotional over the "wrong accusation"that I ended up in tears trying to defend myself and I even attacked my loved one back, in an attempt to deflect attention away from me and my perceived wrong actions. Usually I am a very calm and quiet person, but not during that fight. Just shows you how easily my ego can be switched on. One press of one button and bam, I am an emotional over-reactor.

As I mulled over the fight the next day and for the few following days, actually, I slowly realised that part of my problem (the reason I reacted so badly, so emotionally) is because I still believe in the story of me. I still believe in the fiction of this self that I have created, called Louise. I believe many things about this personality that goes along with this body, and when my loved one dared to paint a less than perfect picture of this "Louise" I took it so personally that I felt my identity was being attacked. Which, looking at it now, is just silly. Silly of me indeed. Because, Louise, the story of me and my life, my traits, my qualities, are all just fictions. All just ideas and perceptions of me that I have decided are who I am. They are not real. When I leave this life, I can't take my personality with me, can I? Hmmm...well that is a great question, actually, but I suspect that my personality belongs in this world only, and is intimately tied up to this physical body and that it is a self-made thing. So I am betting that wherever we go after this life will not require a personality. But I digress. The point is, when I felt that my carefully constructed image of myself was not being seen in that way I wanted it to be, I felt so attacked, and yet there was no need to feel attacked. I could have just responded with love and laughed at all the silliness. Because it was not the truth of me that was being negatively portrayed, but simply an image of me.

And so in the future, I hope to remember that when an argument arises, as it always will, that the me that is involved in the argument is not real. The me in the argument is just a fictional me and so it doesn't really matter what we say about me. I don't have to defend that "me" because it's just a story anyway. The only thing that is real in any argument is my response, and I am ashamed to say I didn't respond well the other day. I would have liked to have responded with love, but instead I responded by attacking back - a classic ego tactic. But I have learnt and hope to pause before I react next time, and then hopefully, in that pause, love will come in.

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