Friday, December 9, 2016

General thoughts and feelings lately

I feel like I don't want to compete on stage anymore. I feel like it's a useless pursuit for me. I just don't have the genetics, I am very skinny on top and very muscled and chunky in my legs and I don't have what they look for.

Also, I am losing that passion/drive/competitive edge for ME wanting to do it.I am just starting to reach a point of accepting that I am the way I am, I am aging and nothing will stop that, and what is the POINT of parading up on a stage?

Well, I have certainly enjoyed it. I love being scared and challenged by something. But I am now 38, at an age where I probably should give this up.

Maybe I just feel that way now because it's holidays and my son is home and I am not in my usual routine and I am finally RELAXING for the first time this year.

I will see how I feel in the New Year.

I am settled in my relationship now with my ex-husband and soon-to-be husband again. Well, we don't know if we will marry again, but we have talked about it. Oddly enough this is the BEST our relationship has ever been!

I mean, we have made it through renovating a house WHILST living in the house! If that wasn't putting a strain on our relationship I don't know what is.

We are at such a good place, I also don't feel I need to chase anything, or prove anything anymore, so maybe this is why I don't feel the need to get up on stage?

I finally, FINALLY believe that he will love me even with my ever more wrinkles and soon-to-be saggy skin. I have not believed that before. I don't think I believed he really REALLY loved me until we reconciled, but now I do.

I think before, I believed he loved an image of me, an idea of me, but not the REAL me. Things are so different now and so very wonderful. I am in a very good place emotionally, and yes, I need a rest, but it's ok, rest will come. Rest IS coming.

I feel very blessed and lucky and I know it. That is the best part. I am not taking ANY of my life and my joy right now for granted. I know my good fortune and I am soaking it up. And I am happy even though my tummy is not as firm as it once was. Happiness really is an inside job.

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