What goes into making a life worth living?
That is a big question. I don't really know the answer, but as I get older, I do know this: there are seasons for everything in life. I didn't realise that when I was younger, I thought I had to EVERYTHING NOW. But actually, I didn't. I don't. There really are some things that are better to do when you're young, and some things that are better when you're older. And things change. And your feelings about things change too.
I never realised when I was younger that my feelings would change so much about certain things. But how you view yourself and the world certainly changes as you get older. And it's good. It's very good. Getting older, which seemed a bit terrifying, truth be told, when I was younger, is now a welcome relief. I am naturally letting go of so many things. I am, slowly, painfully slowly, starting to let go of my body image. My looks. Not entirely, sadly. I still worry about how I look, and my weight and how other's perceive me.
I think having a neat appearance is good - so, not to let go of oneself, totally is a good thing. But letting go of this obsession with looking a certain way is VERY GOOD.
Back onto the health train...I am still somewhat confused about Banting but I know it's the right direction. I just want to know, for someone active like me, why I get cramps when I Bant. Still haven't figured that one out.
My weight went right up this past week or two, after eating carbs, but it got uncomfortable, so now I am losing the weight again, or at least, I am trying to lose the weight. I didn't like feeling so big, even though it's only 2kg of weight gain. For me, that's a lot, and I didn't like that feeling.
Work: I might quit doing illustrations. I am feeling like it's time for that to come to an end. It's a season that is now ending. There are many reasons. But the main one is that I no longer get any joy or satisfaction out of the illustrations. I no longer care. Not at all. Not one bit. It's not right and so I must end it. Art should feel good. I want to try my hand at other things. I want to explore earning money doing other things.
I am currently enjoying NOT preparing for or doing any bikini competitions. I think for me, the season for doing that might have passed too. I am not prepared to take any stuff to make me grow muscles, and so, my body is showing signs of it's age. Without steroids, females over a certain age do look less toned. It's nature. I think I am ok with that.
I really am maturing as I age. It's wonderful.