Thursday, July 20, 2017

Note to myself: diet related once again. Here we go.

1: Clearly I am a little diet-obsessed. Wish I weren't, but I am a bit. Sorry.
2: I can still let go though, and enjoy a holiday. We just went away for three nights to Cathedral Peak Hotel in the berg, and it was LOVELY and I had a blast and I ate whatever I felt like. (Gasp!) I only gained 500gms, over the holiday, so I feel good about that.
3: If left to my own devices, I will not overeat.

4: However, if I start to try to manipulate things too much, like I did yesterday, I will over-compensate, like I did today and go the other way.

Here is what happened. We got back from our holiday, I was happy with my lack of weight gain, so the following day, it was my period, and I ate a shit ton of chocolate and some cake. Oops. But so what, right? I weighed myself, which is not the right thing to do around my period, and then felt bad at the weight gain. Then, even worse, I went shopping at PnP clothing, and the lighting and all those mirrors had me feeling really, really shitty about my body. I have gained weight lately and I don't like how I look, and I am feeling pretty miserable about it and seeing it reflected back at me was not pretty. I got a heavy dose of reality. I was zero carbing yesterday in order to lose some weight. I did lose weight - 500gms to be exact. From yesterday to today.

But after zero carbing yesterday, I was craving carbs like crazy today. I had bought a packet mix chocolate cake that I was intending to bake with my son over the holidays. Today is the second last day of the holidays. I decided to bake it with him, and eat a tiny bit of cake.

Well, I went bat shit crazy and ate a ton of the cake. You see, it broke up into pieces, because it stuck to the crappy cake tin, and so it was all bits and pieces. We made the icing, so my son and I just iced random bits of cake and ate them. He is a typical healthy child: he stops eating when full.

I could hardly stop. I did stop, eventually, but I must have eaten about three people's serving of cake and icing. Goodness it was delicious. Now I feel full. And a bit sick. But also happy.

I simply cannot diet. I CANNOT diet. I cannot follow any single particular diet anymore. I can't eat high fat. I did it yesterday and it was great, I felt good, but then today I just wanted carbs.

I also cannot cut fat out of my diet either. I have learnt that the hard way. I did it quite well during my gym days, but it made me deranged. I didn't well on very low fat, and suffered frequently with hypoglycemia.

My only sane solution now is to eat a balanced mix of fat, carbs and protein.

If I Bant, which is healthy, I have to Bant on the carbier side and eat sweet potatoe, butternut and the like. And not drown food in fat.

I have to unwind my mind, now.

I think I may have stuffed my mind up when it comes to food.

I am not normal anymore.

I go crazy.

I need to stop weighing myself. I need to stop thinking about diets. I need to simply aim for healthy. I know that what I just did now, which it to eat my body weight in cake, is NOT healthy. I COMPLETELY pendulum swung. I know that I need to simply be normal. But I don't quite remember what normal is anymore.

I can only follow my own internal plan. I can't keep living with this fucking obsession. I need to stop reading diet and health books and magazines and TRUST my body.

Louise, I am you. If you read this again, let me remind you to trust your body and to listen to your TRUE needs. Your body needs healthy food, not cake. But cake now and again is ok. In SMALL amounts.

Today you read about a mechanism by which the body can store dietary fat. Of course it can. The body can store fat, protein and carbs. I believe it. I believe the body can do all these things.

My belly is getting fat and flabby and I believe it's from messing about with my diet. I believe it's time to clean up my diet and get healthy now. I know what healthy eating looks like. Time to implement it.