Thursday, November 12, 2015

What's in my head currently

Phew, is it just me or does the end of the year seem busier than ever?

I find my head is always spinning with mixed, thoughts, "to-do's" and "should-do's"! It's enough to make me want to crawl back into bed some days.
I find myself thinking all sorts of random thoughts (like am I being a good enough mother, am I patient enough, am I good partner when I'm overwhelmed, am I overspending, am I providing enough nutritious food for my family, blah blah blah, etc...did I brush the dog today, did I wipe his eyes? - our Peke pup needs his bulgy eyes wiped so that the eye mucus doesn't get all nasty and infected in his face-fold...). I also find myself having to direct our maid on cleaning, direct my child every day with his routine, help him with his learning at school, help my partner with his business if I can, I need to wash and prepare my son's monkey costume for his school's a never-ending list of things I need to do. Then there is my own work, which often takes a back seat and which I must try to squeeze in during the short morning time when my little one is at school.

I just need a moment to breathe, people.

Well, I did that today. I took my coffee into our sun-room and sat and just stared into our garden. Even though my to-do list is long. It can wait. I realised that I have forgotten to count my blessings. I am so lucky to have all that I have.
I also realised that the older get, with all the added pressures and responsibilities that come along with that, the more I need time-out. Time to just be quiet. It's VITAL.
I have let my gym contract expire because I was finding it too much of a push and a rush in the mornings to fit in over an hour at the gym on top of everything else. So I decided that I would re-look at gym next year. I just can't do it all. If I feel like running, I will go for a run, and I can do other exercises at home if I want (not that I ever really want to - somehow when I am at home I never want to exercise...). This weekend I did go for two runs, but I haven't managed to this week. And the fear is tapping me on the shoulder...whispering that if I let my exercise go...who knows what could happen. I could get unfit (gasp!) or get flabby (double gasp! - this one is unlikely in the space of two months, but fear tells me that anyway...). But what if, just what if I stopped all exercise and I still just remained the same? What if...and here's a radical thought, I just relaxed a little. What if I just eased up on myself? It's not like I am saying I will never go to gym again, or run again. It's just that I am saying I need a break. And what if I allowed myself to fully take that break? And what if my body was intelligent enough to adjust it's eating needs and so I just ate a bit less, got a little less hungry and maintained my weight? Because you know what? I believe that is actually what the body does. I believe that it's not exercise that determines weight. Yes, as I have said before, exercise is wonderful for so many things - improved posture, sleep, muscle strength and tone, breathing and heart - but I know in my bones that it has nothing to do with weight loss. Not really.  And I am beginning to think that the stress of trying to fit the gym in when I am really just too busy, is plain silly. Adding stress to my life is really the last thing I need, not to mention the guilt I feel if I don't make it to the gym when I have said I would. Nah. I don't need that - stress or guilt - they add nothing to my life.  We are only in November and yet the year-end craziness is happening already. Soon my child will be on holiday and then I will have no time to myself. So it only makes sense to take time out. Even if it is my gym-time.  Here is to a very calm, sane year end. I hope so. 

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