...for the first time EVER.
Oh yes. Today was truly a momentous day for me.
There I was, in Ackermans, trying on their summer dresses (such lovely dresses at amazingly good prices) and I was dreading the 360 degree mirror view under that harsh lighting. Usually I hate seeing myself in changing room mirrors with their yuk lighting.
But not today. Today all my body-loving, body-positive talk has paid off! My body looks no different, in fact, I've put on a bit of weight, but I loved what I saw. I loved what I saw because I saw that it was just a body.
My body is just a pile of meat, bones and flesh and it's not me. It's not who I am. My butt is a little softer and my tummy is a bit rounder, and THAT'S OK. I now know that I can love me, with all that. I can love the softness. The softness is not a reflection on who I am as a person. Duh. It's so obvious but I have always allowed my reflection or my weight to dictate how I feel about myself. Not today. Today I loved my softer ass.
This is amazing. I wish this feeling for every single woman in the world.
In fact, I am also looking upon women with softer, kinder eyes too. I am no longer comparing: am I thinner than her? Am I younger looking? How do my arms/thighs etc compare to hers? Nope, now I am looking at all women and imaging how awesome they all are. I FREAKIN love it. So ultimately, I didn't have to change my body in order to love my body, I had to change my "goggles" or my way of seeing. I had to put on body-positive love goggles!
Another happy co-incidence: the batteries in my home scale have died, so my scale is no longer working. It happened after I went away and read the most amazing body-positive book called Things No One Tells Fat Girls by Jes Baker. Old habits die hard, and I still wanted to weigh myself after three days away. But when I stood on the scale and there was nothing, I was actually kind of happy. Now I have gone over a week without weighing myself and I haven't collapsed in a heap from lack of information. I now can honestly say: I don't CARE what I weigh. I am letting go of that every day.
Does this mean I will completely "let myself go"? (Horror of horrors!)
The honest answer is: maybe. Maybe I will indeed let myself go a bit. It sounds so freeing, though, doesn't it, that phrase "let myself go". Let go. Letting go. Freedom. And so maybe dieting is less about weight and far more about control.
I have run this week, when I felt like it, and these past two days, I have not run. I have eaten when hungry, stopped when full. It's such a new experience for me, to allow myself to eat. I honestly don't know when I'm actually full, and when I'm truly hungry. I have controlled what I eat and ignored my body's cues for so long that I am a bit out of touch. But it's ok. I'm learning.